Ok so Kate Moss‘ marriage has allegedly ended. Cue a zillion headline ‘whyyy or whyyy can’t poor Kate find true love’ (take reference from ‘Poor Jennifer Aniston’ post Brad Pitt). And One Direction’s Zayn and Little Mix’s Perrie have broken off their engagment – WHAT? They are not the first celebrity break-ups and they won’t be the last. I’ve had my fair share of doomed relationships so I have been thinking about the breakup rules as if it were a marketing campaign. Here’s how to PR a breakup and spin your life back to normality.
1) DO NOT GO ON SOCIAL MEDIA
As Kate Moss famously said “never complain never explain.” Do not rant on Twitter. Do not add your sob story to Facebook. Do not add a bitter quote to Instagram. Step away – no good can come of it! YOU WILL LOOK INSANE.
2) BUT DO GET IN FIRST
Tell your inner circle before you other half does. This is your opportunity to spin it…I mean get your side across.
3) DO NOT GO ON JEREMY KYLE
As tempting as it is to go on JK’s stage in your old leggings and Ugg boots, just remember it’s on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Do not book the lie detector test. If your other half cheated on you, just move on.
4) DO EXERCISE
Do that cult Insanity work out. Half an hour in as sweat pours off you, you won’t even know your own name, let alone the name of your ex. The only name you will be shouting is that evil Shaun T’s name, now MOVE THAT ASS. Added bonus? You’ll look hotter and fitter.
5) DON’T CALL OR TEXT
“Heyyyy Kevin, how are you since we broke up? I’m outside your house.”
The hardest thing to do is just step away. Take a look at this hilarious exchange between a guy called Kevin and the girl who just wouldn’t give it up. It’s one of my favourites of all time. He’s just not that into you love.
6) SMILE OR SULK (not both)
Kelly Brook is the expert here. Delete all photos from social media, buy nice dress, go somewhere fun, smile like you mean it. And suddenly you start feeling a whole lot better. If being too happy happy feels wrong, channel Kirsten Stewart after R Patz and do smoky sulky sultry instead – no one will touch you for a while.
7) DON’T GET BACK TOGETHER
Remember when Ross and Rachel tried that in Friends? I mean,if Ross had just ‘taken responsibility’ we would never have had the amazing line…. “WE WERE ON A BREAKKKKKKKK.” Also prompting Rachel’s, “We are SO over we need a new word for OVER.”
8) SHAKE IT OFF LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT
What’s the best way to get over Jake Gyllenhall and Harry Styles? Turn your heartache into your USP. Taylor is a pro at PR-ing get break ups and turning them into cold hard cash with ‘Trouble’ and ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’. Then perform it at the BRITS in front of Styles. Nice.
9) GO DEEP
Ok so this approach is the thinking man’s breakup. Write your soul, turn it into a number one album a la Sam Smith. Or think Justin Timberlake post Britney Spears and lay down ‘Cry Me A River’ on your post N-Sync debut solo album. That’s a whole lot of breakups. The Britney double in the video is added fuel to the fire.
10) DO RE-BRAND
Disappear for a bit. Like R Patz post K stew (only reappearing in dirty bars), like Cheryl Fernandez Versini after the second Ashley Cole drama. You must come back all guns blazing. Think Princess Diana after her split from Prince Charles – LBD and cool as a flipping cucumber.
11) SELL THE STORY
“Well, there were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded,” Princess Diana. Turning to the media to tell your story is risky. If the rumour mill is in over drive it may be best to tell it in your own words. Try to make sure it is carefully planned and scripted with just the right amount of ‘I applied it myself eyeliner,’ or perhaps a little stubble if you’re a guy.
12) OR JUST MOVE ON
Yah Jennifer Aniston will probably regret saying that thing about Brad missing a ‘sensitivity chip’ and K Stew may wish she hadn’t said the; ‘I love you I love you I’m sorry.’ But shit happens. Sadly in these cases their breakups are brought up every time they interviewed. Such is the power and intrigue of heartache.
Yey the fun bit! Time for an upgrade. Like when Kim Kardashian got married, got divorced and then rebounded with Kanye West? Or Taylor Swift moved onto Calvin Harris? It’s like your gran will have told you… The best way to get over someone is to get under another! Well maybe not your gran… But hey. Just as Bridget Jones says – try not to ‘continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts.’ Got it? Good!
Until next time lovers!